A Few Words On Compassion and Sensitivity-Said To the Mirror

It has been a few weeks since I have written anything. The past few weeks have been very eventful for me. Two weeks ago, a colleague and I attended and presented at The Kentucky Center for Mathematics annual conference. As I get my thoughts a little more organized  I hope to have a couple posts in relation to that event. This is also our yearly review time at the college, and that consumed some measure of my time, as it always seems to do. During this time, several things have been running through my mind, and several seemingly unrelated events tied together for me.

Before I introduce the “big idea,” allow me to set a little personal context how what I am about to say is most relevant to me. I have known for a long time that I am a very sensitive person. I have read in the past months about “highly sensitive people”  and many of the traits ring with me very strongly. Regardless of my otherwise calm exterior, I am easily overwhelmed by many things, one of those being strong emotions. Part of my sensitivity brings me to take on other people’s emotions like a sponge. It is like I just absorb them and then start feeling them myself. I realize that some of this is just natural empathy, but for me it is like the feelings come through a magnifier. Having grown up this way, I developed habits, some productive, some not so much. Strong negative emotions (sadness, anger, pain, etc.) would just wash over me and make me feel really uncomfortable. Over time I developed the habit of trying to fix whatever was making me uncomfortable-doing whatever I could to make it stop. Sounds great: empathy and compassion are highly desirable traits, especially when paired with someone that can easily pick up subtle and nuanced signs of feelings, even those that others try to hide.

So about now you may be asking “Okay what’s wrong with that Bill? And why didn’t you go into counseling?”

A couple of things: first once I take those emotions on, I carry them-seems like forever. So no counselor job for me, tried that at a local residential psychiatric place-I couldn’t leave it at work. Now the other side-as many who are also sensitive, compassionate, empathetic people can attest- it is easy to forget: We are not responsible for how others feel. That’s right I said it. I am not responsible for other people’s emotional state. It is my spiritual belief that we are responsible to be compassionate. We are responsible to do our best at what we do. We are responsible to be as “present” as we can be to those we are concerned with, especially those that are closest to us. In the end though-each person is responsible for his or her own happiness  or lack thereof.

Let’s think about this for a minute.
How much control do we have over what happened to them in their distant past?
No?
What about yesterday?
What about the half hour before they ran into you? Did you have any control over that?
I didn’t think so.

So why (and I am looking in a figurative mirror here) When we treat people fairly, with respect, with compassion, sometimes still feel like we have something to do with them being angry, scared, bitter, etc.
-Now mind you if we really did something “bad” then sure we had influence. If that’s the case, apologize, try to correct it, and get over it.
But that’s not what I am talking about here. I am talking about the feeling that everyone needs to like us, and we just aren’t satisfied unless everyone walks away with a big smile on their face, all their problems solved, damage and scars undone, and they walk away with some loaves and fishes.

Wait what?

Yeah I went there.

What we are really demanding of ourselves is to be omniscient, omnipotent, and well frankly free from error.

Not going to happen.

Sure we can try and be the best, but in the end, we are not going to be able to do it all. If we don’t put limits on this part of ourselves, it will drive us to a point of either becoming bitter, cynical, and broken, or worse it is going to make us sick.

So, stop it!

But don’t stop caring- that is the core part of what makes us special. Continue being the motivators, the inspirers, the protectors, the counselors, the idealists. But realize you can't fix it all.

Looking Back at a Timeless Moment

The ballroom was filled with several hundred people and lots of round tables. At the one end there was a long table with seats arranged facing the crowded toom. This table was reserved for the wedding party. At the other end of the room were serving tables filled with finger foods for the reception. Small groups hovered or sat around some of the tables, others were dancing the jitterbug or their own dance to a tune by the Brian Setzer Orchestra chosen by the DJ. The dull roar of a crowd conversing with the running soundtrack of loud gaiety wouldn’t have been my first choice for leisure time. This wasn’t so much about the leisure though. It was a time to celebrate. People all around wearing every perfume and cologne possible, and the smell of shampoos and hair care products circulated like waves over the top of the smells of the foods that were served. It was June of 1999, and this was the wedding reception for my brother and new sister-in-law. I was a part of the wedding party and was glad to be a part of the event, but being an introvert, I knew that the high amount of stimulation would overtake me before long.

Susan, My friend that I had known since high school, had come up from Tennessee with her mother for the event. I had not been able to visit with Susan for a couple of years now, and it was good to catch up with her. Try as I might to focus on conversing with Susan, my attention was caught elsewhere though. I could see across the room a blond woman and she kept drawing my attention. I knew her from the gym that I had begun exercising at the previous month. (The exercise program was mostly therapeutic to draw me out of a period of deep depression that I had just been through.)  I was partially focused on the conversation with Susan, but I was caught in the grips of forces beyond my control. As I was working up the courage to go ask the woman for a dance, my attention was caught elsewhere in the room.

As the music changed to a slow song, “I Could Fall in Love,” by Selena, I heard a soft voice behind me say, “Excuse me, but could I have this dance?”

As I turned around my jaw dropped and I could feel the blood rushing to my ears. It was her-she had come across the room and asked me for a dance. Time froze at that moment for me, and I think the speaking parts of my brain nearly shut down. I breathed in as I came closer to dance with her, and caught fragrance of pears and flowers. I lost all sense of the world that was all around me, and all I could see was this beautiful blond haired, brown eyed woman, smiling and talking to me. I can’t remember much of the details of our conversation, but I knew that I wanted to talk to her again.

About a week later, I asked her out for a date. From the next week on, we went on a couple of dates a week. It turned into an amazing summer, and I can honestly say it was the happiest time of my life up to that point. February 1st we were married in a courthouse ceremony that we look back to with humor now, but at the time we found it to be way less than desired. It was a convenience because of the difficulties arranging an out -of-state wedding that we were planning. We count the second wedding as our true anniversary, February 26th. We had this ceremony in Gatlinburg, Tennessee.

Kathy and I have been through much since that time 12 years ago. I look back and am glad that I found someone that can keep me laughing, and most importantly someone with a heart so full of grace and mercy. Though I have found since that she normally is more quiet turned, but at that time it didn't show. I don’t know if I would have worked up the courage to ask her to dance before she left. I am glad it didn’t depend all on me. I am glad I was caught up in forces beyond my control.

Wisdom to Know the Difference

Three years ago yesterday Kahlan, my daughter was born. This came in the middle of what seems like the longest months of my life. In late June or early July of 2008, my wife had a car accident. We took her in to the emergency room after. The doctor wanted to do x-rays, and he asked us if there was a chance that she was pregnant. She and I looked at each other and couldn’t give a definite answer, so he had her do a pregnancy test. A short time later he came back to tell us the news: Kathy was in fact pregnant. Kathy was so excited that she nearly forgot why we were there, but I have to admit, the reality didn’t really hit me until later on. I think the doctor was slightly disappointed that I didn’t display much enthusiasm. To be honest, I was more concerned about the result of the car accident than the results of that pregnancy test at that time. She didn’t have any visible signs of injury. She did end up being sore for days later, and did have some back problems related to the accident.

Some of her pains did not go away. Over the next few weeks she began having more problems. Soon, she was unable to work, and she started having more serious back pain. As her condition went downhill, I became more concerned that something besides the pain from the accident was wrong with her. We went to see her OB/GYN and he was convinced that an old problem from her first pregnancy had come back. During her first pregnancy, she had suffered through kidney stones. The doctor sent her for several examinations, and though there was no sign, other than her past history, he was convinced that she was having the same problem again.

Her pain level grew worse, and he ended up putting her on bed rest, which forced her to take a leave of absence from work. She got to the point where she looked ashen all the time, and was only able to lay on the couch all day. During this time, I was commuting an hour to work every day. Every day that I left her, the time away bothered me more. As the days drug on, her mood and attitude degraded. Under a mysterious pain in abdomen and back, with no clear end in sight, it passed from illness into something like torture. We went back to the doctor several times, and he was still convinced that it was kidney stones. My wife, having been through the experience before, insisted that it felt different. He could give us nothing different. The rest of the pregnancy continued, and her body even tried to end the pregnancy. Every day, I feared leaving her. I was afraid that I would come back to find her dead.

February came, and Kahlan was born. The doctor then told us things should get better for Kathy as her hormone levels changed. They did not. Things stayed the same, aside from the new addition in our house, of course. After several more months, we went to our family doctor, after a particularly bad episode. He sent her to a different specialist, and we found that she in fact had gall stones.  A few weeks later she went in for surgery, and had her gall bladder removed. After the surgery, she recovered over the next few weeks.

I was frustrated beyond belief with her OB/GYN.  Despite very little evidence, and even some strong contradictory evidence, he was stuck in a particular frame of mind. He neglected the contradictory evidence, and it in a sense called it a fluke. In the end he was stuck in what is called “paradigm paralysis.” All he saw as important was evidence that supported his original point of view, and he seemed unable to even conceive of alternative points of view. He is a very well educated man, and in fact I am to understand that he taught others within his field as well.

I have been around some very well educated people. I have a great deal of respect for their knowledge and experience. It is frustrating though when this experience develops into a type of orthodoxy. When we have extended beyond the limits of their knowledge, when the environment has radically changed: when the world we formally knew is far away, we should rethink what we do. But because of “paradigm paralysis” we use our old way of thinking and try, often disastrously, to live by the same rules. When things don’t work, we look for blame, despairingly try to make things the way they were, or just plain ignore reality. This isn’t just a problem for the educated; it is part of the way we are made. I pick on this group, myself included, because our education should help us to know better. Perhaps this is where the fourth line of the serenity prayer has more meaning:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

February 19th then is a day of celebration. We celebrate the birth of our daughter. For my own celebration, I remember that I have them both, and that they were not taken from me.

The Big Game Isn't An Elephant?

Sunday and Monday of last week marked a really special yearly festival for many Americans. That’s right, it was Super Bowl time. I will let you in on a little secret, as long as you don’t tell the House Un-American Activities Committee:I am not really a football fan. I can’t even fake it. I have tried, but I just never have acquired the taste. I was moderately interested in the commercials, but with the advent of the internet, I can catch up on those later. Of course, I will likely see most of them re-aired for the next few months anyway.

 I have been to a few football games. There wasn’t too much activity on Saturday afternoons while I lived on campus at Eastern Kentucky University. Sometimes I just needed a change of environment from the dorm room. Well that, and it is hard to study with fireworks and band playing happening at irregular intervals. I have to admit there is something to the atmosphere of a live game in person. I think I may have actually missed the point though: I was more entertained watching the crowds. In fact there were some regulars that I tried to catch a few times. I think they were professional hecklers. These three could give the writers of MST 3000 a run for their money for play by play heckling banter. They were at their prime apparently when the opposing team’s mascot would enter the field. I believe that one fight broke out between the Colonel (EKU’s mascot) and the Hilltopper (mascot of Western Kentucky University-bitter rivals of EKU) was actually escalated by the professional heckling crew.

Like I said, I missed the point: I don’t remember any of the details of the games. I have a feeling that the same would happen if I were to be invited to a Super Bowl party. Then again, it could go worse. Given my math background I could choose to break into the mathematics and physics of the game and make eyes glaze over. Given my philosophy background I could spin out a spontaneous thesis on the benefits and downfalls of vicarious athletic team identification.  Yeah, that is a real winner for parties.

Not one of my magical math moments

I have made an important discovery: The following Monday apparently is also part of this ritual. I had several students ask me if I had watched the game. They all felt inclined to give their take on how close it brought us to the end of the world, or how it was one of the greatest moments and the universe shook with awe at the final moments of the game. I took it all in, with stride and grace I hope. In the end, I wonder how many feel the same in my place when I talk about the dramatic grand finale of an well written series, or when I experience an epic win moment if solving a particular difficult problem.

I can talk objectively about most of the sports, but honestly I still can’t feel nor relate the subjective experience of being “a fan.” Please don’t tell anyone.  I think that might actually be grounds for treason in some parts.

When the Fireworks Are Over.

For many things experiences there can come two patterns. New experiences can bring to us an exhilaration coming from their novelty. This particular pattern brings to mind the term “honeymoon period”. The euphoria and sense of being enraptured in a new experience can carry a lot of energy. This energy can be channeled to accomplish a great deal. Most of the time this exhilaration fades and then the real work begins. This is the time to buckle down, plod through, and grind out the work, even when we don’t feel like it(insert favorite cliche about real work). The other pattern works like this: you put in a lot of hard work, and then at the end you feel exhilarated at something great that you look back on and have accomplished. But the time has to be spent.

When working with students I have been fortunate to witness both patterns many times. I love the excitement of being around students that have just begun and are ready to charge through and “take that education by storm”. I also like being there when they have completed a degree and they look back with awe at what they have worked through. Sadly there are some that don’t experience the second. Sometimes it is circumstances come and get in the way. But for some, the real work just isn’t worth it. They give up.

There were times I might have felt the same thing, but I found something down inside that told me to keep going. Admittedly, I had encouragement from many around me. In the end I still had to find the strength within myself. Sometimes that strength was hard to find.

I believe that most things that really are worth doing, feeling, and experiencing have to be worked for. Learning, finding our gift, chasing our passions, raising kids, and having meaningful relationships, are all about having some periods of euphoric bliss interspersed with periods of real work. Sadly, some people miss out on some really great blissful periods because they don't do the work.

Right now, the fireworks about writing have passed. At this point euphoria isn’t there to give me the energy, drive, and inspiration to write. This is one of those periods of “plodding through.” Inspiration is fickle, hard work is not. I just need to have faith that the hard work with be worth it in the end. I am pretty sure it will be.

A Rare Site Indeed

About 40 miles south of where I live there is a spectacular sight. It is quite a unique experience called Cumberland Falls.

I try to go to see it at least several times a year. 

Part of the distinction of this place comes from a moonbow that is formed from the spray off the falls when the conditions are just right. It doesn’t happen all the time. Several dynamics need to come together for the moonbow to be visible. The geographic features that lend to the waterfall itself are just part of the story. The angle of the falls, the production of spray, the angle the moon shining  through the spray on the few days before and after the full moon are still only part of the story. There are so many random factors that determine when particular visit will allow you to see this spectacular view. The weather needs to be just right.

Even all these factors that make for the appearance of a moonbow pale in comparison to the immeasurable factors that come together to make someone the person that they are. All the seemingly small choices, well thought out choices, plans we have made, goals we have set, failures and achievements that we have, are still a small part of the puzzle. What then is the bigger picture? The people that we have met, those that have come into our life and influenced the course we have taken, some still around, even more that have come and gone, contribute to the picture. So many countless chance encounters come and go. It is overwhelming at times to think about. For some people there may be more encounters and for some far less. I am struck by the great effect so much chance can bring together.

In the end I still experience life with awe regardless of what comes together to cause it. So many things that could have been just a little different, but if the conditions weren’t just right, I might not see what I see today.

We often like to feel that we have a sense of control on the direction life takes us, but how can one mitigate innumerable encounters? In the end we have some choice about what we allow and don’t allow to become a part of us. We can choose how to react to the circumstances and encounters that happen. I believe that is what shapes our being.

I Am Not a Time Lord

Okay that confession probably comes as no surprise to the Whovians out there. What the heck is a Time Lord the rest of you are asking. In short, they live very long lives, can travel through and have some control over time. (That was over-simplified but that will do for a description)

For those that just saw someone's head explode and this blog is still open on the screen: Sorry about that.

For those didn't have their head explode: I will continue.

I was a little frustrated yesterday. Several things bothered me. For one, I had set a goal to have a story completed, revised and submitted for a contest deadline that was up yesterday. I missed out on the opportunity to work while I still had the energy last weekend. I was motivated and ready to go, but other things ended up taking higher priority and zapped that energy. I also felt really exhausted most of the week. Just happens sometimes I reminded myself.

Well I found several answers. Several discussions I have seen this week have involved characteristics of introverts. By many measures I measure far to the introvert side. All people need time to recharge their batteries, and as an introvert, my way of recharging is in silence and solitude. For years I felt like this somehow made me broken. That’s not to say I don’t enjoy being around people. My job involves a lot of contact with people, and a high amount of stimulation overall. I love what I do, but I need a lot of recharge time. When I don’t take that time, it starts building up on me. I think this week caught up with me. I am really feeling pretty ragged. It is frustrating. I am not Superman, I have to remind myself. During times like this I have to prioritize. I need to ask myself a few questions:

• Where do I make family time?
• What are the most important things that have to be done?
• What time and energy can I reasonably expect that I can put into anything?
• Where can I squeeze in even a few minutes of quiet time?
• How can I negotiate with those around me and express what I need, without that task also?
• How can I do the above and still keep some level of productivity? (Yes I am now realizing that my second job is writing.)

 I have to realize that there are times that I am not going to do it all. If I want to remain civil and keep from stumbling around like a zombie, the 4th point just can’t be sacrificed. It is a given that the first point doesn’t have much wiggle room.

If I figure out some device that makes more time. I will be sure to let you all know. Being a creative introvert, apparently I need some quiet and alone time to work on it. Looks like you all aren’t getting a TARDIS out of me anytime soon.

When Our Boundaries Are Stretched

I recently ran across a photo a high-school classmate had posted up of a beach somewhere in Florida. It reminded me of a trip that a group of us took during my senior year. A handful of us took a trip to the Orlando area. While were there we visited Disney/Epcot, Cocoa Beach, and we went to see a shuttle not launch. That’s right, we sat in a bus for several hours in early March to see a shuttle launch that didn’t happen.  I think we all were slightly disappointed we didn’t get to see a shuttle launch, but we still had an awesome time.

One of the things that made the trip enjoyable and a growing experience was for that few days, many of our barriers were down. We were in a different environment than we were accustomed. We were focused on a common activity and more or less we had similar goals for the time. This is one of the times I was stretched outside my comfort zone and my perceptions of the world were challenged.

Being stretched, placed outside our comfort zone, and challenging our preconceived notions of how the world works are all part of becoming educated. It is easier to stay stuck in a particular mindset and to keep doing things the way we have always done them. It is easier to do things that we have already learned how to do. The problem comes when what we have done before doesn’t work anymore. Sometimes, if we keep holding on to old patterns it makes inevitable change all the more painful for us.

I frequently see students that tell me something like, “How can they expect us to learn this, we haven’t done it before.” I just have to laugh inside when I hear that. Of course they haven’t done it before, that is why it is learning.

I hadn’t taken a trip to Florida before. I hadn’t spent 90 or so hours in a row without interruption around peers from high school. Because it was new, I learned. Because I let go of some of my old thinking, I learned. I learned that those peers were more like me than I had thought. My boundaries were stretched. I went back to my high school a few days later and couldn’t see things the same anymore. Thanks to those that stretched me.

Hooray! Now What Have I Gotten Myself Into?

Today I received news that I and a colleague will be presenting at a session for the Kentucky Center Mathematics conference in March. I first passed the message along to her, and then reality set in: we had a presentation to finish. We plan on doing a presentation on motivating students in learning math. Not fifteen minutes after notifying her, realization hit me. We have something to say, and I assume we will have an audience to show. We will be sharing our insight and expertise with others interested in what we have to share. Expertise-when did I cross over into that territory? I guess it snuck up on me. It feels difficult to realize that sometimes. I really feel ambivalent about this too. I don’t know if I need to hold a piece of it to keep me humble, or if it holds me back from doing more.
 

Part of this is connected with motivation, our topic for presentation. If people feel something is impossible for them to accomplish, usually they won’t even waste their time trying. As I pull from the strongest parts of myself, I know that sharing along with my colleague our experience, our perceptions as tutors, and the work we do to encourage our students is an important task, but I know it is possible to do. It does make it easier to know that I have a good team mate. Knowing that I don’t have to put out all efforts alone and that I can work in good support structures makes daunting tasks much more manageable.

Being an introvert, I have to remind myself that I don’t always have to do things on my own. It is okay to pull in others to share the work on important tasks. I don’t have to be a solitary voice to speak a message. Sometimes it can start by telling one person, and then convince them to join in spreading that message.  If we share our vision with the right kind of people, it can go so much further.

5 Ways That You Can Improve Communication in Tutoring (or life)

This week I took part in training for our consultants at the community college where I work. Here are a few thoughts related to what was presented.

To clarify on terminology, we use the term consultant rather than tutor. We do try and distance ourselves from the stigma that students often perceive from receiving tutoring. If you are asking a consultant, you are seeking advice or guidance in an area that you may not be familiar. We feel that this sets the stage for a different type of thinking when working with students than the general perception that students can come with, “If I need to see a tutor, I must somehow be a failure.”

My parts in the training had to do with communication. In many jobs where we provide a service, our communication skills are often what really determine the success of an interaction, not necessarily the content that we deliver. So one of the most important areas we can improve is in the way we connect (or fail to connect) to others.

1) Be approachable. When we are working with others, does our demeanor invite others to speak to us, or do we give an appearance that they are bothering us? Greet the student. Ask their name, and when you speak, address them directly. If we put up barriers, whether literal or figurative, then people will stop trying to communicate with us. In the end that will kill business.

2) Go to where they are. This one is big, and is really a follow-up to #1. If we expect people to communicate with us, we often have to make the first step and go to them. This has a double message. Sometimes we have to speak using terms that they will understand before we can introduce all they fancy technical language. In addition we might have to go meet with them where they are comfortable, to bring them in.

3) Listen first. This is harder than it sounds. Many of us have developed a habit of being ready with a response before we have even heard the full content of the message. This happens a lot in many contexts, but (and here I go blaming the media) it is displayed a great deal on television. Pundits are notorious for cutting each off. We often see them responding to the first word they disagree with before the speaker even gets a sentence out. Instead of this, it is better to let the speaker finish and wait for a pause or break in thought before we respond.

4) Check for understanding.  What this means is, make sure that the message that was received was in fact the message was intended. Our speaking is full of many ambiguities, and people tend to leave content out that they believe is obvious. Be aware, that just because it is obvious to you, another listener may be completely oblivious to the message sent. One of the best ways clarity can be gained is with a mixture of paraphrasing and follow-up questions. Something like, “ Let me see if I got this right, you thought in factoring you were  supposed to…”, might be a useful to check the message you heard.

5) “I don’t know,” is not a bad phrase.  It is okay to tell people this, but remember it is not the end of the story. It is better to express our limitations, rather than take a wild guess and be wrong. Some things that are helpful when this situation comes up:

• Have a list in mind of resources you can pull from. This includes other people you can refer to.
• Modeling good study skills, questioning skills, and problem solving skills may actually be the solution that is necessary.
• Have the student to contact the instructor via email, phone or an office visit, and let them know that instructors are approachable, and are normally glad to have students come and ask them questions.

These are things that it took me quite a while to learn as a tutor, and I still slip into bad habits once in a while. Marshall McLuhan is famous for saying “The medium is the message.” I think this may be a big part of working with people in service jobs. The way we convey our message to others is in fact itself a big message to them as well. As you can see, much of this is directed at the tutoring situation, but I really think several of these points may apply to other areas of communicating as well. Well, minus the send to instructor part. I don't think a server in a restaurant can send a rude customer back to their teacher, but who knows?

Finding the Gift That Makes Us Unique

“We get trapped in patterns of thinking, including the way we’ve learned to perceive the different aspects of ourselves. We learn what is wrong with us – or rather, what other people perceive as wrong with us. Those external voices get internalized and become the inner voices that we carry around with us until we decide (if we decide) to finally stop listening to them.

What we often don’t recognize is that it’s the things that we get criticized for, that get declared as the ‘weaknesses’ that we must fix and fix and fix (until we fail, give up and watch American Idol), that hold the key to our potential Remarkableness. In our weaknesses lie our strengths (and vice versa). If our brains can only learn to perceive them that way”. -Justine Musk “the art of letting your freak flag fly”

Sometimes it is hard to distinguish between well-meaning alternatives. Sometimes people that think they are doing something to help someone may be doing more harm than good in the bigger picture. As an educator, I find myself in a strange position.  There are things that people do that are dysfunctional behaviors. There are also things that people do, that just aren’t the way I would do them. Sometimes I have myself whether my critique of what they are doing comes from an honest sense that what they are doing leads to self-destruction (which I have seen far too many times as a tutor) or if their actions are just not my preferred way the world works.

“Self-discipline needs improvement”: nearly every year in elementary that showed up on my grade card. That’s fine, I was a kid. It turned out later I found that I was a child with A.D.D.  The one that strikes me as odd though came from my Art Teacher. Our school had the same teacher for all grades, so I came to know her well over the span of four years. Conversely she thought she knew me. But really, I wonder how that mark would even work in Art. Self-discipline needs improvement in Art?

How does this lead to the quote I posted? Well, I was a talker and a dreamer. I look back and many of my daydreaming times in elementary school were interrupted by times of talking to my neighbors. I loved to talk and to hook classmates into my stories. What was perceived as a dysfunctional behavior for my education, some things that needed to be fixed, have turned into things that are my strengths. What I have learned to do is find the niche where those things work well.

So I guess the point is, maybe there is something that those critical voices you have internalized would have fixed, that may be the best part of your uniqueness. Look closely: is there a way that it could be your greatest strength? How can you develop it, bring it out as a gift, rather than a curse?

The Importance of Making Mistakes

Working as a tutor one of the big barriers that I see many students face is the fear of making mistakes. Many students that I work with feel like they have completely failed and need to just give up when they make a mistake, meaning to them, get a wrong answer in the learning process as I work with them. The conventional wisdom is that you learn things correctly and repeat them correctly so that they become drilled into the brain. Some research indicates that this may be inefficient and isn’t really in line with the way our brain is designed. 

I talked with a friend and colleague of mine the other day about where I was going with my writing. The direction I wanted to go in my writing and a couple stories that I really want to write were discussed. I told him that I felt like I needed to write about some others things to get practice before I wrote on those issues that I really cared about. He mentioned something to me, that perhaps I should go ahead and write them now, and improve them as I went along. He told me that I should write about them while I found them interesting. I went home and got to thinking about this. I realized when it push came to shove, I was afraid of making mistake with what I felt strongly about expressing.

 I can see, there are some flaws in this thinking:

1.  I really need to write most about the things that are important to me, because I will “put my all” into them.
2. I will learn more along the way, and may pick the pieces back up later and improve them.
3. Perfect is an ugly monster that I have a love/hate relationship with and I just need to get over it.
4. If I write them “wrong” I will learn from the experience than if I get it right.

So, I am making it a goal this week to work on the handful of stories I really want to write, even if I do write them wrong this go around. The mathematician in me does want things precise in the end, but I can make some mistakes, take a few dead-end trails, backtrack, experiment, and more importantly: have fun in the process. So, what are you going to try even if you think you are going to do it wrong?

On Nurturing a Creative Spirit

At least as early as 5th grade and perhaps earlier, I loved involving people in my stories. I had two friends that I played with regularly at recess. The three of us worked out what might have been a very simple version of serialized fiction. Each of us had a particular role, and when recess came, we would rush out to the playground and assume the identity of our respective characters. I came up with the story line, and each day told them where the story was going. They jumped into their roles from there. Although I didn’t have the name for it at the time, our serial was a “space opera.” I was a local commander for a particular intergalactic agency that was responsible for patrolling this part of our galaxy. One friend was my director for intelligence, and the other was responsible for handling the diplomatic and political ends. We had many fantastic adventures together.

I had not heard of E.E. “Doc” Smith’s Lensman series when I was this young, but some of our themes echoed the struggles of Kimball Kinnison against the Boskonian Empire. A couple of years ago discovered this series, and of course absolutely fell in love with it. How could I help myself? I had grown up on a steady diet of “Star Wars” with generous helpings of “Star Trek” and “Buck Rogers” mixed in. As I matured, I discovered the likes of Issac Asimov, Robert A. Heinlein and Philip K. Dick. Their great stories fed my imagination. I developed a love of science itself and astronomy in particular in part from their fictional worlds that I found myself so immersed in.

I don’t think my active imagination was that much different than many boys my age, except that perhaps there was more richness to the material. I think part of what has driven me is the desire to draw others into those imaginations. I could not help but be a storyteller. My dad is a storyteller as well. He loves telling stories. It amazes me how he is able to capture attention and draw his listener in.

I can see some of this coming out in my son’s highly active imagination as well. It amazes me, and I can’t help but feel proud when he plays with his toys and builds these great fantastic worlds and weaves tales set in those places.

I feel like most kids are born with a good spark of imagination, but only some environments really nurture that imagination to really grow. I was fortunate to have some around me that encouraged that spark to grow in me. Sure there were some that didn’t see the value in it, but in the end their voices haven’t completely ruled. In a way I can thank them: they have given me ideas to develop antagonists in my stories-- writer’s revenge!

Caught in a Whirlwind Called "The Freshman Year"

It’s open registration time for the spring semester now. This reminds me of my beginning at college. I can remember the strong sense of just being overwhelmed.  That was August of 1990. I arrived at Berea College in Berea, KY. Berea is a private liberal arts college with a total student body around 1600. I had come from a high school that had a graduating class around 50 people (I think). I recall the sense of being overwhelmed as I took my first steps on Berea’s campus. My parents brought me to the first orientation day; we were directed to go to the gym. Inside there were tables set up all over the gym floor. Each table was a station that represented a college office: from financial aid to academic affairs. So much happened on that day, and it all felt like being caught up in a white-out snowstorm: I had few landmarks to get my bearings. Most of the people working the stations were friendly, and I think I remember most of them being patient. There were so many things that I needed to do in the week of freshman orientation. I was assigned my new home for the next few months. I had to make sure my student account was in order. I had to check in with my work-study assignment. Since I was a first generation college student, some of this was completely foreign to me.

Watching many of the students arriving this week, I can see the looks on their faces. Some of them look dazed, some terrified, and some have a look of nervous excitement. Many of them will be in a similar situation to mine so many years ago, but their world is different now. The economy is in a different place. Many of them have families at home to take care of and some have jobs already. It is hard for me to imagine the level of pressure that would bring now were I in their position.