It has been a few weeks since I have written anything. The past few weeks have been very eventful for me. Two weeks ago, a colleague and I attended and presented at The Kentucky Center for Mathematics annual conference. As I get my thoughts a little more organized I hope to have a couple posts in relation to that event. This is also our yearly review time at the college, and that consumed some measure of my time, as it always seems to do. During this time, several things have been running through my mind, and several seemingly unrelated events tied together for me.
Before I introduce the “big idea,” allow me to set a little personal context how what I am about to say is most relevant to me. I have known for a long time that I am a very sensitive person. I have read in the past months about “highly sensitive people” and many of the traits ring with me very strongly. Regardless of my otherwise calm exterior, I am easily overwhelmed by many things, one of those being strong emotions. Part of my sensitivity brings me to take on other people’s emotions like a sponge. It is like I just absorb them and then start feeling them myself. I realize that some of this is just natural empathy, but for me it is like the feelings come through a magnifier. Having grown up this way, I developed habits, some productive, some not so much. Strong negative emotions (sadness, anger, pain, etc.) would just wash over me and make me feel really uncomfortable. Over time I developed the habit of trying to fix whatever was making me uncomfortable-doing whatever I could to make it stop. Sounds great: empathy and compassion are highly desirable traits, especially when paired with someone that can easily pick up subtle and nuanced signs of feelings, even those that others try to hide.
So about now you may be asking “Okay what’s wrong with that Bill? And why didn’t you go into counseling?”
A couple of things: first once I take those emotions on, I carry them-seems like forever. So no counselor job for me, tried that at a local residential psychiatric place-I couldn’t leave it at work. Now the other side-as many who are also sensitive, compassionate, empathetic people can attest- it is easy to forget: We are not responsible for how others feel. That’s right I said it. I am not responsible for other people’s emotional state. It is my spiritual belief that we are responsible to be compassionate. We are responsible to do our best at what we do. We are responsible to be as “present” as we can be to those we are concerned with, especially those that are closest to us. In the end though-each person is responsible for his or her own happiness or lack thereof.
How much control do we have over what happened to them in their distant past?
No?
What about yesterday?
What about the half hour before they ran into you? Did you have any control over that?
I didn’t think so.
So why (and I am looking in a figurative mirror here) When we treat people fairly, with respect, with compassion, sometimes still feel like we have something to do with them being angry, scared, bitter, etc.
-Now mind you if we really did something “bad” then sure we had influence. If that’s the case, apologize, try to correct it, and get over it.
But that’s not what I am talking about here. I am talking about the feeling that everyone needs to like us, and we just aren’t satisfied unless everyone walks away with a big smile on their face, all their problems solved, damage and scars undone, and they walk away with some loaves and fishes.
Wait what?
Yeah I went there.
What we are really demanding of ourselves is to be omniscient, omnipotent, and well frankly free from error.
Not going to happen.
Sure we can try and be the best, but in the end, we are not going to be able to do it all. If we don’t put limits on this part of ourselves, it will drive us to a point of either becoming bitter, cynical, and broken, or worse it is going to make us sick.
So, stop it!
But don’t stop caring- that is the core part of what makes us special. Continue being the motivators, the inspirers, the protectors, the counselors, the idealists. But realize you can't fix it all.
